Week zero and minimum ten are a marriage made in a confusing and lost paradise. Just where did Nebraska land after their opening top 10 loss to Northwestern? And where do the bottom 10 annual powers rank in the pre-season ranking?
Inspirational Week Idea:
I can’t say I’m sorry
for the things we’ve done
At least for a while, sir,
She and I are having some fun
– “Nebraska” Bruce Springsteen
Here at the Bottom 10 headquarters, in the alley behind the Dublin pub where a group of famous Nebraska fans chose to miss and sleep in their flight until 2023, we spent the past weekend feeling as sad as the Big Red Nation, but rather like the rest. From the world of college football. Timid.
You see, the goal here was to write and publish the bottom 10 before the season starts, which we assumed would happen during the so-called “first week” portion of the calendar. But then we found out too late about this “Week Zero” thing, like, late turning on the TV on Saturday watching Hercules on Freeform with our families only to find there were games going on. A total of 11 games in total, featuring 22 teams and…wait…
Here we are proud to know the meaning of zero. Most of our teams have zeros at the front of their winning and losing records. They are all preferred in nearly zero the game they play. And even while there are twenty billion pot games, the bottom ten teams annually receive zero invites. Thus, we were not happy that we realized that week zero is something to focus on.
So, I had no hesitation or regret at all that I had picked up the remote and flipped the family room TV to college football, bad college football, even as my family got up from the couch to their feet and started throwing cinnamon rolls and iced coffee in my head. Defiantly, I pressed the button to find UN vs.NU at IRL, the flick that officially kicked off the 2022 college football season, and left the movie just as the Gospel Girls sang to Son of Zeus: “From zero to hero, just like this!”
The family enters the den, watches TV, sees my face, realizes week zero. pic.twitter.com/TzVZ31q86F
— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) August 27 2022
With apologies to Tom Osborne, Johnny 99 and Steve Harvey, here are the post-week zero rankings somewhat kinda 2022 ahead of the lower season 10.
1. UMess (0-0)
Last year, the Minutemen scored 24 touchdowns in 12 games, actually making them only one point men scored every 4 minutes.
2. Huh, why? – (0-1)
I used to get mad at a social studies teacher in eastern North Carolina when she pronounced the state’s name Huh-Why-Yuh. But Saturday night after being beaten 63-10 by 10th-placed Van Doh, champion-turned-QB champion Timmy Chang, the Rainbow Warriors, was likely to say that too. As in “Huh, why, uh, did you come back here?”
3 – Oh my God Mexico (0-1)
Meanwhile, Chang’s former employer, Nevada, was helping this team earn its 10th lowest title on the left foot with a 23-12 win at Las Cruces. New Mexico State travels to Minnesota, where new coach Jerry Keel faces the team he’s coached for half a decade, the Golden Gopher. If they lose that game (and they will), the others will likely play in as many as four versions of this week’s fighting pillow game over the course of just seven games – versus Hawaii, FIU, New Mexico, and UMass. It would be like a Wipeout show, but if the big, tall drum was covered in that water, these kids slip into that Woodstock ’99 documentary.
4. Akronmonious (0-0)
While most #MACtion teams will spend their opening games on the road playing against Power 5 schools and their accountants, Zips chose to extend Week Zero by turning Week One into Week Zip, hosted by St. Francis University of Pennsylvania, also known as the Red Flash. The exact ESPN FPI formula vaguely states that Akron has an 88% chance of winning, so I suppose Barry Allen not playing.
5. National Autonomous University of Mexico
The first Coveted Fifth Spot of the season goes to a school that doesn’t have an American soccer team. But Pumas’ house already has the #1 ranked Institute of Geography and Cartography on the planet. This makes them the biggest losers in the off season. Can’t you see the Dean walking into the office with crinkled maps of the United States in each hand, shouting, “How are we supposed to put Los Angeles in the Midwest?!”
6. FI (Not A) U (0-0)
The Panthers have lost so many players to the cross gate dr-ng in the season that he tried to write the sentence of the letters F, I and U all started to transform – my document.
7. U-Can’t (0-1)
I know people can be a little divided about the plot of the latest Star Wars movie, “The Rise of Skywalker,” but everyone will recognize the inimitable genius when Randy Edsall returns as a half-cloned, glass-eyed, and chatty like Palpatine resurrected.
8. Mexico (0-0)
Lobos will jump right into the heart of their Mountain West Mountain division calendar early, with their second week visit from Boise State. But first they face a traditional, natural, and regional competitor in Maine.
9. ULM (pronounced “uhlm”) (0-0)
Last season, Terry Bowden and his crew of senior Power 5 resume coaches led the Warhawks to a four-win season after the 2020 season. But this year, they’ve traveled, Ulm, to Texas, Alabama and the Army, with Ulm, with visits from Louisiana favorites Fun Belt West and Fun Belt East darlings Coastal Carolina scattered between them. But if Bowden begins to feel the ground under his feet is unstable, he can simply look east and think, “Well, it could be worse. I could still be in Auburn.”
10. No Brasca (0-1)
Speaking of constant mayhem while looking back on days, would you think that during the Red Eye’s 4,100-mile trip to Lincoln from Dublin, Scott Frost looked around, made sure everyone was asleep, and secretly slipped his 2017 national title into the UCF ring, Hoping it would be like one of the hobbit episodes that could bring him mysterious powers? or at least Schwartz?
Waiting list: Texas Armadillos, Commode Vanderbilt Doors, Minute Cedar, Dock, Missing South, Temple Bulls, Kansas Nyhawks.